“Lovable”
Hey Sunflowers,
People who know me know that I go above and beyond for the people I love. I will break my back to put a smile on the face of someone close to me. Well, my therapist recently helped me come to a very scary conclusion, that started with a question.
Am I lovable just for me?
I read a quote years ago that said make sure you show people your heart before you show them your hand because they’ll fall in love with your hand and not your heart. When I read this quote I instantly identified with it because growing up I was often nervous people loved me for things other than me. When I was younger, it was my grades and what I brought to class on my birthday or on Valentine’s Day but as I got older it became different. People loved me for everything I did for them and not for me. The truth is, I do so much due to the fear that I won’t be loved for me.
I began to think about all of my relationships. Why did I think I had to do something to be loved and accepted? Where did this idea start? Many of my thoughts brought me back to my childhood and religion. We are taught at an early age, especially Black women, that we have to do something to gain love, but the reality is we don’t need to do anything to be loved. We are lovable, for nothing!
Organized religions have brainwashed us to think that we have to do something to receive God’s love and favor. As a Christian, the reality is as soon as you allow God into your heart and believe, you are His child and you don’t have to “do” anything else to gain his love. We have confused prayer, fasting and attending religious gatherings as acts that gain Gods love, but they are not. Yes, they all can bring you closer to God but none of these actions can give or take away God’s love. It is a difficult concept to understand when you think you are attending church and praying before you eat for God’s love, but you are not, you are thanking Him for His love and favor through worship and prayer. You are drawing closer to Him in fasting and reading or listening to an interpretation of His word. But you are absolutely not gaining His love, because you already have that!
My friends and I often talk about the “fear of disappointment” Black women sometimes feel. I have personally felt the pressure of not wanting to disappoint my parents and I have confused that pressure with doing something to gain their love. If I dropped out of high school and decided to scam for a living, my parents may be disappointed but they would not, at least I hope, love me less. Me getting A’s in my classes and maintaining good jobs, is not me gaining their love but simply trying to make them proud. NOT gaining more or less of their love.
Lastly, friendship, which can really be confusing. If you don’t go to a friend’s birthday party or get them a gift for a life milestone, if they are really you’re friend, they will not love you less. But we have convinced ourselves that a means to grow closer to someone is actually gaining someone’s love. It is not. Of course, your actions can gain a friend’s trust, but your actions should not gain your friend’s love. Either you love your friend for them or you don’t! I had to learn that missing a friend’s event will not make them love me less!
We, as a society, have to stop confusing our ability to be loved with actions. We are loved for just being ourselves and people who make you feel that you have to do something or continue to do a thing to gain their love is not okay. Either you are loved or you are not. Please don’t be out here thinking that you don’t have to do anything to maintain a relationship, that is NOT what I am insinuating. I am reminding each of you that you are LOVABLE! Just for being YOU!
