[Verse 1]
Let me be patient, let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer, I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
'Cause he's all that I got tell him

[Verse 2]
Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love, then I am nothin' at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect, and not without sin
But now that I'm older, all childish things end
And tell him

Nobody can teach you how to love and care for yourself. No one can do that work for you. You have to look in the mirror and like what you see and go to sleep at peace about the kind of person you have been in the world. It’s not about looking how you think you should look either. It’s accepting that even the ugliest, most broken version of you deserves unconditional love. The second you believe that you are deserving of the very best, and see yourself the way God sees you—to die for—your life will change. You deserve good things, good love, great friends, the dream job, the cutest boy, you are worthy of those things. Anything is possible for the one who believes. I think it was Henry Ford who said, “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, it’s true.” As soon as you shift the way you view you, it can teach everyone around you how to treat you.

So when I saw Wicked, I felt Elphaba on a spiritual level. We all did! She was an outsider, a black girl in a white man’s world. By all accounts, to the other students at least, she had no business even being in the room. She found allyship in the animal professors, but even they were not her. And then Madame Morrible, who she thought saw something in her, villainized her the moment she couldn’t control her.

On Day 3 we took it easy before heading to Rainbow Cafe on the French side of the island, this was my favorite day! We reserved day beds on the beach for $20, which came with the bed and the towel. We again, had delicious food, I had the Lobster club; and the besttttt drinks, I had an Island Fever—rum, passion fruit, and ginger, delicious! After it got dark we headed over to a nearby rib shack called Lolos. The island is actually known for ribs. They did not disappoint! After eating way too much, we headed home to get dressed for the night. We went to Lotus Night Club and it was a $15 cover but it was worth it!

I sacrifice meal times, then sleep, then working out, then showering, and the list just goes on and on. I always seem to sacrifice the things I need first before ever even considering sacrificing a work or social obligation. It is sad. It makes me sad the level of perfectionism that enslaves me. I don’t want anyone else to ever even question if I missed a beat. I would rather forego a commitment I made to myself, like getting 8 hours of sleep, then telling a job or friend, no I can’t do that.

Instead of waiting on something, let the stillness teach you gratitude and contentment in a new way. “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11

But, today I realized it doesn’t have to be. It is not easy to upset the perception that I have it all together and all figured out. But it is necessary. What is the point in having community if you can’t speak up and lean on them? It’s hard to ask for help. It is hard to have needs after creating a life where I am needless so I won’t be disappointed or let down. I mean it is really hard. It takes honesty and vulnerability that most times I don’t even feel like having. But maybe I feel alone because I’m choosing to be alone. I’m choosing to be needless. I’m choosing to mope in my own sorrow. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but the point is, for me it is a choice. And I can choose differently.

The truth is I was, and still am, mourning a lot of things. I’m mourning this idea of how I thought my life would be post-law school graduation. I’m mourning an easier path I could’ve taken. I’m mourning parts of myself I don’t recognize anymore. I’m mourning a different version of my body. I’m mourning so much. When I really thought about it, I realized, I was mourning perfection.

This weekend one of my very best friends turned 25. It’s one of those ages that is supposed to mean something. As a kid, you think when you turn 18 you’ll be an adult. Then, when you turn 18 you think you’ll be an adult at 21. Then in the hazy years between 21 and 25 you don’t know what’s going on. It feels like adulting but some kind of way it still doesn’t feel real real. Finally, at 25 you think to yourself, I’m almost 30?! And that’s just unimaginable.

The Black Panther Party defines freedom as the ability to choose the future. Amanda Alexander at the Detroit Justice Center identifies power as getting to make decisions over your own life. I define freedom as being able to choose. The way I make sense of the world is by being radical in the way I have decided to choose my art by choosing to protect the art of my people. I see art as political, it also has been and it always will be. 

If you are fasting, I’m praying with you. I’m praying for your vision & guidance, for discernment of what is God and is not, and for this to be a season of gratitude & thankfulness to a loving God.

What do I need? I racked my brain with things that I could use right now. Like a nail salon with mimosas and a salon chair, a mental health trip where all people do is sit by the water, write, eat and pray, maybe even just 72 hours in a hotel room by myself where I don’t have to answer to anyone nor do I have any responsibilities.

Recently I feel like God has been reminding that it’s okay to just keep swimming and let Him do the rest. At first I was calling this the “bare minimum,” but that language has a bad connotation and my therapist pointed that out to me. If I just keep swimming, doing what I can when I can, I’ll get there. Some may call this the bare minimum, some call this the key to life; but right now, it’s my tactic to maintain.

Self-love is different than self-care. Self-love is a little more indulgent. It is doing for yourself what feels good and right, regardless of if it is actually good for you. This week self-love looks like splurging on skin care and getting the Method body wash from Target that I love so much. It also looks like trading my homework for watching the Super Bowl with my family. It doesn’t have to be a big grand gesture. It can be as simple as living the day with ease regardless of the consequences.

I heard someone say once that grief doesn’t get smaller, you just grow around your grief and learn how to live with it. At first that sounded awful, but after a while it became kinda empowering. You may be waiting for the pain to be smaller, for you to miss the person less, for the wish that they were here to subdue but I’m not sure that would ever come. Instead, maybe we can all find hope in the fact that we will grow around our grief. We will rise to meet the occasion and maybe the pain that fills the 50% of our bodies will become 10% as we grow bigger.

I read the Bible verse, “God doesn’t give you the spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline.” Every Black person has heard the first part of this verse time and time again. You tell the right auntie you’re scared of something and she certainly will reply with the, “God doesn’t give you the spirit of fear.” But, the end of the verse wasn’t said as often. I’ve been reflecting on this verse because why would God tell us power, love and self-discipline as the opposite of fear.

The second most important thing about goal setting is being gentle with yourself. Instead of sitting in the bed at night and thinking about the things I didn’t do that day, I think about all the things I did. Sometimes I get to check off working out, brushing my teeth twice that day, oiling my scalp and reading for pleasure. However, sometimes I just get to the bed and say wow, I did my best. Sometimes I’m so tired I’m not even conscious enough to form those thoughts. But, every morning I wake up and extend myself grace.

Lord, I thank you.

So, I got out my bed, turned the lights on, found some clean pillow cases and got to shimmying those pillows in the cases. Thank God I did because I slept so well. Well, that is my mood for 2022. I’m enjoying every moment when I get it because it will only allow me to make room for more happiness. This year, I’ll continue dreaming but I will also see the joy, in the new pillows, that is right in front of me.

Y’all, for me, it was first time going to school with white people and that right thereeeeeeee was a whirlwind on its own. I’m from Detroit, the BLACKEST CITY IN THE COUNTRY. I am a proud product of Detroit Public Schools. Then, I went to Howard University, the BEST HBCU in America. I have never had an academic experience where I have been the minority. Well, law school quite quickly changed all of that. I can’t explain how out of place I felt, how confused I was by the way people thought and how behind I was with the basic understanding of how the legal system worked in this country.