Mourning Perfection
Hey Sunnies,
I know its been way too long. I apologize for my absence. In the last 6 months I have graduated from law school, studied for and taken the NY bar exam, traveled the entire west coast and made some big girl decisions about my life. During the month of September I finally had time to rest, which was extremely uncomfortable for me. As someone who has been in school since three years old and has always been an extreme overachiever and overperformer, I had no idea how to rest. My therapist advised me to make a rest schedule, that way I could still accomplish task I needed to get done but I had set times to sit in silence or read or binge a show, whatever rest needed to look like that day. As I was “resting”, I started to have these waves of sadness.
The sadness was new for me. It felt like mourning. I started having all these thoughts from, “my life is in shambles” to “should I really be doing this.” When I talked to my therapist about it, she asked me if I was mourning anything. The truth is I was, and still am, mourning a lot of things. I’m mourning this idea of how I thought my life would be post-law school graduation. I’m mourning an easier path I could’ve taken. I’m mourning parts of myself I don’t recognize anymore. I’m mourning a different version of my body. I’m mourning so much. When I really thought about it, I realized, I was mourning perfection.
In the parameters of an educational institution, doing well is easily measurable. For an elementary school student showing up and completing the task given was how to be successful. For a high school student, managing your time well enough to complete task assigned, extra curricular activities and home responsibilities was how to be successful. As a college student, spending time studying materials well enough to perform well when tested was how to be successful. As a law student, sorting out what to study and how to write a law school exam was how to be successful. For the first time in my life, I have to be the one to measure what success is for me.
It is easy to be “perfect” or “successful” when that is clearly defined and achievable. However, the moment the definition of perfection gets hazy, I struggle. What does success look like to me? In my real life, not in my legal career or my relationship or even in the way I present myself to others, on a day-to-day basis. What makes a day successful? What really matters? These questions left me searching for answers. This month I’ve prayed, studied the Bible, and watched sermons looking for God to make my path clear to me. I thought if I knew God’s directions for my life, I could better obtain success at life. However, the biggest lesson I’ve learned from seeking God in this season is the need to be in control is an indication of how much I don’t trust God with my life. Whatever you are worrying about is probably something you aren’t really trusting God with. Trusting Him is releasing control and releasing the worry.
I wish I could say that my trust is perfect and that I no longer worry or seek control of my life. That is just not true. But every day I re-surrender to His Will, His Way. As I mourn being “perfect”, I am rediscovering how much the real me is worthy of love. I think I became such an overachiever and perfectionist because I connected that to how much love I would receive as a result. I am rediscovering how unconditional God’s love really is. He never asked us to be perfect, He just asks for our hearts. I hope this helped someone. Cheers to all us perfectionist releasing control! I love you all!
forever blooming,
Mikaela Amira
