The Lone Ranger

Hey Sunnies,

I hope this finds each of you healthy and well. My life has been interesting to say the least. When I started this journey of trusting God things were different. It was easy to say that I won’t settle for a job just for the money when I had a solid savings account. It was easy to say I was going to just go network and a job will come when I had friends doing the same. Well, as time goes on, my savings is dwindling and more and more of my friends have fallen off. My friend making the jump to New York with me settled in and found a job near home for a year where she could await bar results and job search comfortably. It seems like the longer I am on this walk, the lonelier it gets.

I remember hearing sermons all the time about when God is about to do something transformational in your life He separates you. Well I thought my separate season would come with a one bedroom apartment in a new city. I didn’t know it meant all my friends would choose easier paths while I sat here waiting on God, sometimes not so patiently. It is safe to say, I feel like the Lone Ranger. I feel like I’m all by myself in this moment. It is easy to sit in that feeling of aloneness. It is easy to convince yourself that no one else knows the complex feelings and emotions you cycle through as you take the road less traveled.

But, today I realized it doesn’t have to be. It is not easy to upset the perception that I have it all together and all figured out. But it is necessary. What is the point in having community if you can’t speak up and lean on them? It’s hard to ask for help. It is hard to have needs after creating a life where I am needless so I won’t be disappointed or let down. I mean it is really hard. It takes honesty and vulnerability that most times I don’t even feel like having. But maybe I feel alone because I’m choosing to be alone. I’m choosing to be needless. I’m choosing to mope in my own sorrow. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but the point is, for me it is a choice. And I can choose differently.

I can’t write this piece without acknowledging that having a community to lean on is a privilege. Everyone does not have a parent to stay with until things work out. I am blessed to have them. And I know for some people the lonely walk is not because they aren’t choosing to communicate their needs to their community, it is because they don’t have a community to communicate needs to. That is real. This week I am challenging myself to have needs. This week I am challenging myself to ask and to expect. And to not chicken out if they don’t do it. I am challenging myself to follow up and hold people accountable. I’m afraid but I accept the challenge. It’ll surely be an interesting week.

forever blooming,

Mikaela Amira